Who Am I?

A question that plagued me for many years has been who am I? What defines me? Who is Nicole? Am I defined by my wedding vows as a wife, by my child as a mother, am I just a daughter, a niece, a sister, an employee, a Christian, a nobody, or just somebody? I mean, I am all those things. Some days less, other days more, but really who am I? It may seem like a strange question to be asking but if we never know who we are, how do we navigate life?

I know for sure I longed to find the answer to that because of this nagging need to feel like I belong. Yes, I had a mother and father, sisters and aunts, cousins, and some friends. However, I still felt sometimes as though I was an outsider trying to fit in this big crazy world. Some of you may have all these people, some more, some less. Others may disagree with me and think they fit quite well in society. However, let me ask you a question if all you knew were to be stripped away from you suddenly, who or what would be left?  

We can travel back in time to the last recession or look closer at this pandemic we are currently in. Suicide rates increased when people lost their life savings, careers, and houses. They had no clue how to function when these things were taken away. You might say they are crazy, “I would never do that! I could just rebuild, get another job, move in with my parents, siblings, or even a friend”.

But, what about a natural disaster, a death of a loved one, a parent, a spouse, or do I dare say a child. Maybe a life-changing diagnosis, or maybe you have been given a finite number of months to live and your life-long dreams come flashing before your eyes. For some of you, it may be a heartbreak, the one you were supposed to spend eternity with has done you wrong. For another, the position you worked your whole life for, you were passed over. Or maybe yours is a bit more subtle, a parent, a boss, or a spouse who demean you so much, you changed from the fearless individual you once were and retreated to a shell of yourself. Whatever the cause, your life as you “knew” it has changed. So now, who are you?

I asked myself this question when I woke up in my thirties, walked through some of the situations described above, realized that although my life by society’s standards was okay, it was so far from what I had dreamed, planned, or imagined. A part was missing. I had stuff, my life is by no means perfect, but I was doing okay, however, I was empty. A question like who are you, I could not truthfully answer. I did not identify with any of the labels society placed on me.

I had “good” qualities and I always believed that I was, (and as that childhood song goes and I am humming as I write) “A promise and a possibility” and that I had potential and a purpose. However, I was also self-critical, self-doubting, had feelings of inadequacy and comparison. I was becoming jealous, partially depressed, extremely fearful, and always lived for the what if instead of the now. All those negatives took me so far away from enjoying any positive things in my life. But, on a journey back to God (maybe in another blog post we will discuss that) I was shown Ephesians 1 and 2 . I started to write out all the things God said I am.

He allowed me to see that I am:

At first, they didn’t hit home, it just seemed like words on a piece of paper that was so far removed from my reality. But I read them over and over and over until they were tattooed on my heart. Now I know who I am. Does this mean that I am not fearful of things being stripped away? Or that I am oh so confident that I can always shout from the mountain top. Oh, how I wish, but NO, I am human! I still have an element of fear, some days, or even weeks, it’s a full circle of doubt. However, I continually surrender that to God each day, many times a day if I have to. I thank Him also for the Godly community He has placed around me. Then, I remind myself of His promises to me of who I am in Him.

So I re-courage you today, wherever you are at, whether on the mountain top, deep in the valley, or somewhere in the middle. Examine who you are, because if everything is stripped away, you don’t want to be left like a boat without an anchor and risk drifting through life or running aground. Know who you are in God and whose you are in Christ. Find your anchor in the only one who can give you identity. I mean, He made you, so why would you go to any other source to find out who you are. Would you buy a Toyota manual to operate a Lamborghini vehicle?